Q: How do we know when it’s time to make a major life change?
On an arbitrary scale of 1 to 10, how restless are you? If the number is higher than 5, it’s time to think about making a change. If the number is higher than 7, it’s time to be actively looking. If the number is higher than 9, change becomes mandatory.
To define the restlessness we’re talking about here, it’s when nothing feels comfortable. Nothing feels right. There is a level of boredom and agitation at the same time. There is an inability to focus because what has been focused on is no longer what one wants. And, continuing to focus causes a kind of pain. Psychology calls this cognitive dissonance.
Because many people are afraid of change, they will let the number get all the way up to 15 or 20, or even 100, and still resist change.
Q: So, how does that person get better at overcoming the fear of change?
It would be very difficult for that person who is already at a high number. An important conclusion to reach from this discussion is that children should be taught from an early age how to handle change and how to make the choice to do something different. To see this as an adventure rather than a risk of a mistake or failure.
The mindset for most people works against them being able to make change, because it is a developmental muscle that was not exercised enough. So, these skills need to be developed from an early age.
Q: For those of us who get this intellectually, how do we bridge this gap between understanding something intellectually and actually learning and doing it?
The gap is often a lack of desire that’s strong enough to outweigh fear, fatigue, and the disruption that change requires. You can intellectually know that something is good or right, but that doesn’t create the desire to do it. Because that requires change, and change, as we’ve discussed, is difficult for most people.
There is not a strong enough catalyst. There is not a strong enough attachment to the perceived benefits. So, there isn’t enough to take action. Because most people feel overwhelmed and tired, they are happy to stay in their intellectual awareness.
The questions you are asking are leapfrogging over the first question that needs to be asked.
Q: What is the first question?
The first question needs to be: What do I care about, and why?
Q: What if somebody doesn’t know what they care about?
For those who don’t really know what they care about, they’ll be trapped until they find that answer. And they will live the life that society dictates. But then loneliness will creep in along with suffering. Loneliness is one of the great motivators to pursue desires and begin the spiritual path.
Essentially, the way the world is set up requires that one has to hit a wall at 100 miles an hour before they realize they need to make a change. Many people currently don’t know how to change lanes, never mind get off the highway. And as long as one is focused on the outer world, a deep underlying loneliness and sadness will fill them. Ironically, this will push them back into social media and distracting behaviors to avoid looking at the loneliness and sadness. This is why pain is often a motivator to push one onto the path; it becomes the only catalyst loud enough to break the distraction.
To be clear, this does not mean that pain is required for growth; it only means that many people recognize the need for change once discomfort can no longer be ignored.
Q: For someone who asks themselves the question, what do I really care about, without finding an answer, are there ways to help reach the answer?
Begin by observing patterns of behavior, patterns of thought, patterns of association, and then correlate those with the question: “Do they make me feel good?’ “Do they make me feel strong? The question is not, “Do they make me feel happy?’ Because in the beginning stages, what is often called happiness can simply be a lack of friction rather than true joy, so it winds up being another form of avoidance of pain. There’s not truly an identification of feeling happy. That can only come through maturity and self-awareness. Strength, however, is felt in the core; it is the capacity to endure the discomfort of growth.
So, write it all down and see what patterns emerge. Ask others, because sometimes someone else can see the patterns in your life more clearly than you. Take psychological tests or personality tests to gather external data on your nature. Those are all external ways. Internal ways would be to spend time in meditation and creative visualization, moving away from the noise of the outer world, and letting yourself be shown that way.